Late Night Snark: I’ll See You In Court Edition
"There were several heated exchanges between Trump's trial lawyers and the judge in the hearing about whether or not he violated the judge's gag order. Judge Merchan told Trump lead attorney Todd Blanche that his arguments didn’t make sense, that he presented nothing, and he was ‘losing all credibility with the court.’ To his credit, Blanche fired back: 'Your Honor, I lost all credibility when I agreed to represent Donald Trump.' Fortunately Trump didn’t hear any of it, he was sound asleep."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"I am enjoying the Trump trial. I really am. I know they say he's passing gas and everything, so I'm enjoying watching it. From home."
—Wanda Sykes on Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Donald Trump still thinks windmills cause cancer. And remember when he was trying to deal with Covid? He said just inject a little bleach in your veins. He missed—it all went to his hair."
—President Biden
"Gun violence. A lot of people think the answer is reducing the amount of guns. But Tennessee lawmakers are going in the opposite direction [by allowing teachers to carry concealed handguns in schools]. Congratulations! Now your shop teacher is going to have two stories about how he accidentally lost a finger."
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper
"There was an error in the L.A. Times obituary for O.J. Simpson. In the section about his prison time, instead of writing 'O.J. walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center,' they wrote, 'Trump walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center a free man for the first time in nine years.' It's not a great sign for Trump when even auto-correct thinks he belongs in jail."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 26, 2024
Note: Services for this little piggy who had roast beef that turned out to be tainted due to shoddy food inspection practices will be held tomorrow at noon, during which the little piggy who had none will feel sad, angry, and a little bit fortunate.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 4
Days 'til the Sacramento Grilled Cheese Festival in California: 1
Percent of Americans who live in a place where air pollution is considered bad enough to put their health at risk, according to a new analysis by the American Lung Association: 39%
Rank of Bakersfield CA, Visalia CA, and Fresno-Madera-Hanford CA among the worst metro areas for year-round particle pollution between 2020 and 2022: #1, #2, #3
Average length of a major league baseball game at its peak length in 2021: 3 hours 11 minutes
Average time of a nine-inning MLB game in 2023, the league's fastest time of game in nearly 40 years: 2 hours 39 minutes
Age of Shirley MacLaine as of yesterday and Carol Burnett as of today: 90, 91
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS and CHEERS to (dis)order in the courts. First we take you to Arizona, where a whole bunch of shitbag MAGA cultists are finally in the heap of trouble we all knew they should be there:
A state grand jury in Arizona on Wednesday indicted Trump aides including Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows and Boris Epshteyn, as well as so-called "fake electors" who backed then-President Donald Trump in 2020, after a sprawling investigation into the alleged efforts to overturn Joe Biden’s win in the presidential election in the state.
One month after the 2020 election, 11 Trump supporters convened at the Arizona GOP’s headquarters in Phoenix to sign a certificate claiming to be Arizona’s 11 electors to the Electoral College, though Biden won the state by 10,457 votes and state officials certified his electors. The state Republican Party documented the signing of the certificate in a social media post and sent it to Congress and the National Archives.
Trump is described as “Unindicted Coconspirator 1” in the indictment, which includes charges of conspiracy, fraud and forgery.
If convicted? Slammer time. Up to 12 years. Meanwhile, yesterday the Supreme Thumb-On-Scale Court heard arguments for why former president TFG should be able to murder someone on 5th Avenue and get away with it. Now they'll sit on the case until they rule on the last day of their term, upon which they'll kick it back down to a lower court and prevent the classified documents case from going to trial before the election. Memo to self: seal that prediction in a mayonnaise jar and bury it until June. If I'm right you all owe me, according to my squirrels, a lifetime supply of almonds.
P.S. I’d be shirking my duties as a court reporter if I didn’t mention that today also saw more action at Trump’s election-interference trial. So here’s what happened: David Pecker took the stand again, and after that I don’t know what happened because I got a horrible case of the giggles every time someone said Pecker so they threw me out 30 seconds into the proceedings. My only regret is that his parents didn’t name him Wee-wee.
CHEERS to Coretta Scott King. Tomorrow is the 97th birthday of the late Mrs. MLK, Jr.:
Her remarkable partnership with Dr. King resulted not only in four children, who became dedicated to carrying forward their parent’s work, but also in a life devoted to the highest values of human dignity in service to social change.
Mrs. King traveled throughout the world speaking out on behalf of racial and economic justice, women’s and children’s rights, gay and lesbian dignity, religious freedom, the needs of the poor and homeless, full-employment, health care, educational opportunities, nuclear disarmament and environmental justice. She lent her support to pro-democracy movements world-wide and consulted with many world leaders, including Corazon Aquino, Kenneth Kaunda, and Nelson Mandela.
Said Mrs. King: "Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated." I guess that explains why I see so many Trump cultists hobbling around on crutches these days.
CHEERS to the hunger games: outer space edition. Oh, that naughty Hubble is at it again. Having grown bored with spying through the window blinds on Orpglorpians taking showers in the Doopa-Doopa galaxy, the space telescope focused itself on a new patch of the universe. But there’s more to the “Cosmic Dumbbell” than first thought. This one likes to feast on cosmic flesh:
The portrait may also include evidence that the star gobbled up another star, in a form of stellar cannibalism, before it collapsed.
NASA released the image of the Little Dumbbell Nebula, also known as Messier 76 or M76, to celebrate the 34th anniversary of the April 24, 1990, launch of the space observatory.
If researchers confirm the nebula holds evidence of a case of cosmic cannibalism, it could provide proof of the red giant’s long-theorized companion.
You may be able to spot it with your own backyard telescope. You'll find the cannibal star right between the supernovas marked “Chianti” and “Fava beans.”
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Charles Richter. It's the 124th birthday of the late seismologist who invented a scale to measure the strength of earthquakes (I forget what it's called). Go here and pay your respects...if you feel so moved. But please don’t blame him for causing all the recent tremors. They're not his faults.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The last weekend of April is here already??? Cheesum crow, this year is flying by, but I hope the weekend takes its sweet time. The boob-tubage starts tonight with the latest trial news on MSNBC...or Round 2 and 3 of the NFL draft at 7 on ABC. (Sorry, no Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy! because of it.) There’s also a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool us! at 8 on the CW, or you can join Yours Truly for live-tweeting the classic Star Trek episode Bread and Circuses (H&I Network, 8pm) at hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL playoff schedule is here, the NBA playoff schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here. Rounds 4-7 of the NFL draft are tomorrow on ABC from—WTF?—noon 'til 7??? Tomorrow night at 8 CNN and C-SPAN air the White House Correspondents Dinner with featured comedian Colin Jost of SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on computer chip maker Nvidia's role in the A.I. revolution, and the water contamination situation at Pearl Harbor. Professor Frink helps Homer at the nuclear plant on The Simpsons. The night ends with new episodes of The Sympathizer on HBO, followed by warm milk and cookies and then its off to bed, young sir or madam, you have a busy week ahead.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Civil rights activist Ruby Bridges; Sens. Tim Kaine (D-VA) and Mitch McConnell (MAGA Cult-KY).
This Week: White House Communications Adviser John Kirby; Trump trial legal roundtable with lawyerly muckety mucks.
Face the Nation: UNICEF chief Catherine Russell; Sen. Mitch McConnell (MAGA Cult-KY).
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-Trump’s Butt); Gov. Glenn Youngkin (MAGA Cult-VA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Retired SCOTUS Justice Stephen Breyer; Sens. Chris Murphy (D-CT) and J.D. Vance (MAGA Cult-OH).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 26, 2014
JEERS to banality in blue. I'm guessing you heard about the NYPD's campaign to get people to tweet pics of themselves being all buddy-buddy with the beat cops, but instead got flooded with tweets—many from Occupy protesters—of police being brutish, nasty and short. Commissioner Bill Bratton responded by poo-pooing the pics as "old news," saying they've "been out there for a long time." Then he punched a hippie in the face and said, "Here's a fresh one for ya."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the power of brevity. One of the most memorable moments from the 2008 presidential campaign happened 17 years ago today during the April 26, 2007 Democratic debate hosted by Brian Williams. Silly question, great answer:
Williams: Senator Biden, words have in the past gotten you in trouble—words that were borrowed and words that some found hateful. An editorial in the Los Angles Times said, "In addition to his uncontrolled verbosity, Biden is a gaffe machine."
Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage, Senator?
Sen. Joe Biden: Yes.
[Long pause]
Williams: Thank you, Senator.
You can watch the clip (this link seems to be the only one still working) here. Seventeen years later Joe is, against all odds, a virtually gaffe-free President of the United States. Are we impressed so far? “Yes.”
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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