It is inevitable. It is good natured. Every time I inform my Staff Parish Committee about my vacation plans, someone will joke:
“Why do pastor needs vacation? They only work two hours on Sunday.” Haw Haw Haw. Big belly larfs. Just kidding, Pastor.
I used to laugh with them, albeit a bit strained. Then I settled for watery smile, more akin to a grimace. Now I just look at them with toleration and take a hit on my whiffer. My Albuterol inhaler. I am learning to breathe.
I have chronic asthma, but it really gets bad whenever I am sick. It doesn’t matter what I have-virus, bacteria or parasite. If I get sick, I will go down in the chest. I have always been prone to sinus infections, but in recent years, I’ve taken to called my tri annual sinus infections “pre-pneumonia.” That is what they inevitably become. And every time it hits, and I fight my way through it, my chest gets a little weaker, more prone to infections.
Much of this is entirely my fault. I have difficulty breathing. And by that, I mean I have issues with allowing myself the time and space to feel the breath of life and take deep breaths of my own. Many if not most clergy have this issue, even if they don’t have asthma. As a class, we are expensive to insure because we are pretty unhealthy. Some of that is due to the sedentary nature of the daily tasks, some is due to irregular hours, some is due to-and I’m not kidding-the heartfelt mission of the congregation to FEED us where ever we go. Most is due to stress-we are so fixated on caring for our congregation that we simply do not prioritize caring for ourselves. It has become such an issue-this lack of self care-that we are required to attend seminars on the topic. Required, scheduled seminars. They don’t help.
There is always something MORE to do: one more person to listen to, one more homebound person to visit, one more report to submit, one more class to teach, one more worship to plan, one more sermon to write. Some of this can be delegated. All right....quite a bit of it can be delegated. And more certainly should be delegated. Some of it I hold on to because I enjoy it so much I’m unwilling to let go of it. I am fortunate-no, I’m blessed-to have a job that excites and fulfills me. I wake up some mornings and can’t believe I get paid to do what I do. Then there are other morning I wake up and can’t believe I don’t get paid more. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and that makes it difficult to let go of some of my tasks. The tasks I would be delighted to give up...administrative and communication for the most part...nobody seems to be anxious to take. But still, I do more than I should, and it takes a toll.
I have been thinking about this more lately because I’ve been sick and had time on my hands, plus a gloomy disposition. But I should be thinking about it, because my horizons are set to broaden in the next few years. And I need to get my pastoral poop in a group, or I’ll be committing slow suicide by exhaustion.
You see, I have been approved for full ordination as an Elder in the United Methodist Church, and will be ordained in full connection at our next Annual Conference. This is kind of a big fucking deal, as our beloved vice presidential mouth would put it. It is the culmination of an educational, internship, and probationary professional journey that has stretched twelve years. Some do it faster, some take longer completing all the stages, but its quite long enough for me, thank you very much. Technically, this will change very little of what I do in day to day pastoral ministry. It won’t even result in a raise. But it will open me up to further responsibilities within the Conference and denomination-responsibilities I very much look forward to. I will be working to help build a Conference wide task force to address Human Trafficking at the local church and community level, as well as working ecumenically with other faith based groups and with secular organizations. I am also beginning to prepare for my first Sabbatical/Education leave, during which I will concentrate on developing a proficiency in Spanish and greater experience in pastoral ministry in a Hispanic context. This is in preparation for a potential cross cultural-cross ethnic appointment. There have been hints dropped as well that I might want to be studying up on various methods of church planting-the prospect of which scares the living shit out of me.
The question I have for myself though is how am I to do these ministries if I don’t yet know how to breathe? I am so torn between wanting to plunge into ALL THE MINISTRIES! and keeping myself healthy and whole. The ADHD doesn’t help with the prioritizing either, I’ll admit.
You wouldn’t think it so difficult for a pastor to engage in Sabbath, but I can assure you, it is. I find myself sucking on my whiffer every four hours during allergy season, which for me is approximately 11 1/2 months long, and sitting with my head spinning and all my responsibilities swirling around my head and on the pages of my planner, and I get no rest. At least, not the deep, soul rest I need to be able to touch the sacred in me so that I may be able to touch the sacred in others.
I’ve been unable to be around the Great Orange Satan much lately. Lent has kicked my kiester this year; we tried to do too much as a church. But I’ve popped in from time to time, read what I could. Recced and tipped when I had a moment.
And I missed you all. Strangely, I’ve discovered that I get a little Sabbath being an introvert in this community. Is that off the wall? Being surrounded by a community that does NOT suck the energy out of me...well, that’s almost holy. Being a non anxious presence here (ok-for the most part), has helped center me in ways difficult to describe. And it has helped me to clarity on some important issues that will directly impact my ministry in the coming years. Strange as it may seem, Daily Kos has helped me pray. And that has helped me serve.
And now I am at a cross roads. Do I accept full ordination in a denomination that is still not yet fully inclusive? Do I stay and try to work change from within? Or do I decline ordination, leave, and serve elsewhere? I don’t think I have a choice about the ministry-from my perspective, it is what I was created to be and do. But do I do it here? Do I grow where I’m planted and help pollinate a more Christ like church? In the past, when ordination seemed to be a pipe dream and i never thought I’d get this far, I was filled with all sorts of intentions that would rock the church to its foundations and restore holiness to the people called Methodists. Now that I’ve been at this a while, I’m just grateful when the people called Methodists return my e-mails in a timely fashion and the worship committee can decide on a time to met. It will take more than me to effect change in a structure as large and privilege bound as this one. But because it will take more than one, shouldn’t I stay and work together with others?
And so forth and so on. I have some decisions to make, and I will need significant Sabbath time in which to draw closer to them. So, after all this rambling and navel gazing, I guess I’m simply grateful to be a part of an online community of very, very real people who invite me into a much bigger picture so that my small one may come into better focus.
Never have I needed a Resurrection as much as I do this year. Strange, since I only work two hours every Sunday.
Breathe.
Peace.