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I love war. Never been in one, of course. In this life. Yet. But in the big spinning wheel of karma and rebirth, I imagine I've been a brutal battler fighting for whatever my King told me to fight for more than once. National pride, liberty, lower taxes and fast food.You can't escape it. It's everywhere. For all time. Some wars last hundreds of years. The war between good and evil has lasted since before humans ever existed.

I imagine I've raped, pillaged, murdered, gone berserk on the battlefield, wreaked havoc with the innocent who just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time. Disemboweled. Slit the throat. Stuck the head on a pike. Laughed at the dead. Peed on the corpse. Set fire to the village. It's the way of war for millennia.

And today, we can all be proud to support our troops who carry on this proud tradition. They say War is Hell for a damn reason. No sense trying to sugarcoat it.

History is littered with war. Human beings love war otherwise we wouldn't war. It's not like war is in our genes. All war is choice. We choose war over and over again. So, as a human myself, it's just natural to love war. The blood, bone, smoke and stench of death. The tears and travail, the wail of women, the screams of children, the guttural death rattle of the fallen. Body parts, entrails and splatter.

This isn't bothering you is it? Good.

And with seven billion people on the planet and only so much beer to go around, and disease, starvation, plague and pestilence not really that effective in reducing the competition in the job market, well, war is a natural and good thing to weed out the poor innocent victims amongst us. Useless eaters. Flycatchers. The poor wretched refuse of humanity. Call it mercy killing. Euthanasia.

America takes what it wants. Even if it doesn't need it. Like candy from a baby. Just because we can. Sometimes it's just geo-strategic posturing. Like the Cold War. Ah, what a great time that was. All those little hot wars pretending to be cold. Southeast Asia. Latin America. Even that little Island of Grenada and the Socialist Medical School. And since we weren't allowed to invade the commies in Cuba, one tiny backward defenseless Island is as good as another. It just makes you damn proud.

The Contras. God, those were the days. Reagan really knew how to shake the malaise off the sleeping giant city on a hill after those boring Carter years. And just think, if they'd just learned the English language, Latin America could have been a state instead of a battlefield.

And then the glorious wars against Terror. Finally, they attacked us on our soil. The war against Christendom had finally reached across time and space to attack those buildings with all those people inside. 3,000 Americans out of 300,000,000 finally experienced the hell of war on the home-front, like we've been dishing out for so long. God bless everyone of those innocent souls. And boy, we didn't let those folks die in vain. We got our war on and marched right over to Afghanistan and Iraq and all those countries in Africa too numerous to mention and finally we're getting all stiff and sticky to hammer those nuclear tipped Iranians who were the real culprits of 911.  

And of course, we have every right to do what we do. We're fucking America! The world would be enslaved to fascism, communism, nihilism and empiricism if it wasn't for us.

And the last thing we should do is give aid to the enemy and castigate our troops when they go batshit crazy rogue. They're under a lot stress trying to teach those camel-jockeys English. You think war is a game? War games are not war. Video games are not war. Don't judge unless you're in the boots of the troops. They're fighting the noble cause against Terror. And if they can't find the enemy, they must be hiding in the hovels of the villagers and we've got to root them out. A human shield is still a shield protecting the bad guys. Sleeping kids in a bed? Did you think to look under the bed to see who the kids were hiding? Maybe the smartest thing ever uttered was something like “Kill 'em all; God will know his own.” God's a guy after all. And hearts war as much as we, who are after all made in his image. Male and female he made them. Okay, maybe God is an hermaphrodite, but that's another musing for another day.

And our military machine is doing a fine job fighting the invisibles over there so we don't have to fight them here. There is maybe 50 real Al Qaeda fighters in the world, everyone else is like Oswald who killed the President because he wanted to be famous. Like the “B” actor John Wilkes Booth who killed Lincoln cause he was jealous of his brother who was an “A” list actor. The desire for fame is tragically Biblical.  

Our policy of neoliberal intervention of our enemies on behalf of humanity has had great results. We are beloved the world over. Never mind Cheney or Bush can't even go to Canada for fear of the crazy Canucks making a citizen's arrest. After 2016 the current Commander-in-Chief will enjoy the same courtesies. That is the price we pay for freedom and being the world's policeman and who just plain love fucking with people. We're exceptional dammit. And sexy to boot. We love men in uniform. We love Natural Born Killers. If people over there don't want us killing them then they shouldn't be over there then should they? In Drones We Trust. And bunker busters. And cluster-bombs. And Depleted Uranium munitions. And death rays. And microwaves. And if push comes to shove, which so many of us dream – can you say Nagasaki motherfucker? Condi, Rummy and Cheney threatened us with a mushroom cloud over Manhattan. Well it turns out they were lying, but we aren't. We can mushroom cloud the whole world. And don't think we won't if we don't get our way. We don't spend gazillions of our hard earned dough for nothing.

If we don't love war so much, wouldn't there be someone to stand up for the Presidency to say we should stop killing everyone of color we can get our hands on? Come on, Romney, Santorum, Gingrich and our beloved President want more war. We don't have enough yet. Countries are no longer enough. We want continents. Blow it up! Blow it up!

Our enemies are legion even if they are invisible. They're everywhere; under every rock, in every nook and cranny. Even and especially in the Homeland. If they weren't then we'd be stockpiling weapons instead of blowing shit up all the time. Waste not, want not. But because, in spite of the ardor America has engendered worldwide over decades of spreading democracy and the American Way, we are so wonderfully exceptional, entitled and environmentally aware, we are generous with our bombs. We want to spread the wealth. And through our rampage, we will make a desolation, which is the only way to peace.

But it will take time. Centuries. Until every last one of those people who attacked us are dead. Because in the meantime, they are plotting and planning against us. They hate us because we are good and they are evil.

That's what the Long War is really about. Good and Evil. White hats and black hats. Us and Them.

It's good to know we are on the right side of history. We can sleep easy.

God Bless America.  

Originally posted to Michael Alton Gottlieb on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 02:19 PM PDT.

Also republished by Inherent Human Rights and Bloggers Against Torture.

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