"Hello? Yes, I'd like something for pick-up. I'm really hungry. Famished. Starved. My tum-tum is so empty I'd eat almost anything; that is... anything OTHER than that Mitt. Just thinking about the Mitt makes it come all... watery... out both ends. But, so, as long as I don't have to order the Mitt... I should JUST be fine.
OK, so, I'm looking at your menu here and... well... tell me about the Perry?"
The Perry isn't good? What happened? I LOVED the Perry when passed by the restaurant and saw it sitting in the display case out front. It's got the stupid? That's OK, I don't mind a LITTLE Stupid-- Oh, oh... covered in Stupid. Well, what about if you put the stupid on the side? (Pause) So... the Stupid is baked right in?
Shit .
You're right. Not going to do.
So then... maybe I'll try... the Cain? Yes, the Black Walnut Cain on Faithful with a side of Honest, please. Really? You're totally out of Faithful Cain? What do you have? The Cain on Ginger White? No, no. That makes me ill just thinking about it. You have... the Cain on Bialek... or the Cain on the Women Combo platter. (sigh) What about the Honest? Do you at least have the-- That went bad, huh?
How about... the Gingrich... is it Fresh? I know you'd have to find a way to extract the BILE, but if I could I get THAT on Faithfu--? No Faithful there either. How about the Gingrich with Honest? No, I didn't think so.
Does that Paul have Nuts?
Riiiiight.
Then let's talk about the Santorum.
Normally I don't order that because it's so Dull, but given my level of hunger at the moment. How are you serving the Santorum? In a Cream Sauce over a bed of Totally Unelectable?
(deep breath)
What else do you have?
The Bachman?
No. No. No!
Listen... while this neighborhood has changed over the years, the men around here still aren't going to eat anything with a Vagina. The Palin was a SIDE dish, which is why we lapped it up, but as a MAIN COURSE we must have our Penis, understand. Penis in the kitchen. Penis in the bedroom. Penis in the closet. Perfect in your mouth. Eat it up. Yum, yum, yum.
The Huntsman. I've-- I've never even heard of--
What the hell!?! I've waited FOUR years for you to open this shitty restaurant and you have NOTHING I want to eat?!? Y'know what forget it. Just fucking forget it. I guess I'll just sit here until I fucking STARVE TO DEATH.
(slams down phone)